The 12 habits of highly unhealthy people
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It is the mainstream obsession of the past decade: get a healthy lifestyle, detox, eat and drink natural, smile, meditate.
And we know, mainstream opinion is always so… mainstream. So for ya’ll rebels, anticonformists, particular individuals that aim to be unique, here is a list of habits of incredibly unhealthy people. Humphrey Bogart, Jack Kerouac, Modigliani and all the Bohemian artists, wouldn’t have been Idols if they didn’t have their unhealthy habits,
First of all I would like to point out the two or three reasons why being healthy sucks:
1- you will bore to death people at the party saying things like: are the chips home made? Is there any tofu? Oh I’ll just drink water, thanks. Is it filtered by the way?
2- when you are healthy, people are envious and everybody knows envy is bad. When you are sick, people feel sorry for you and love you more, you get a day off work and a lot of “get well” cards, you know, those with generic “thoughts and prayers”.
3- staying healthy needs a continuous effort while unhealthy habits induce the craving for more unhealthy habits, it is an unvirtuous spiral easy to ride
and so on…
So now that you are convinced lets take a look at the 12 habits of highly unhealthy people, and how to be cool in this natural-food overwhelmed world.
1. be cheap, cheap food is good, when you buy family packs it is always more convenient and it is a good Christian habit to provide for the family, even if you don’t have one.
2. buy food with a long shelf-life, you never know when you are goin’ to get the munchies and you don’t have to check your provisions for yucky mold all the time.
3. don’t exercise, if you do, you’ll sweat and stink and break the balls about how good it feels to work out. Especially avoid yoga, yoga is for pussies.
4. eat plenty of sugar, especially hfcs, if God made things sweet there is a reason.
5. drink sodas, fuck water, also choose gatorade because, you know… it’s got electrolytes.
6. dont read the labels, that is for losers. They are full of unpronounceable names that will make you feel stupid for not being able to read them and worst of all could make you start thinking that you shouldn’t eat this or that.
7. watch a lot of television, there there is the real life, why would you want to get one? That is too complicated. Plus commercials will keep you up to date. Life hack: wrap your remote with saran wrap, so you can use it with greasy fingers without messing it up.
8. eat fast food, plenty of dipping sauces, hydrogenated fat, and good chemicals, happy colorings and preservatives. Avoid salad, it gets in your teeth and no one will tell you until you get in front of a mirror. If you have to eat salads, do it right, drench them with ranch dressing or similar, avoid extra virgin olive oil, you don’t know what they put in that crap! Fries are good, the FDA says they count as veggies, get the nicest looking ones, try them with different combinations of dippings.
9. trust your doctor, get your preventitive medicines, your antacids, your cholesterol pill, you cardioaspirin, diabetes control, blood pressure control, antidepressant and whenever is needed a good old antibiotic.
10. now and then get on one of these miracle diets that Oprah has personally tried, like the no-carbs, or the one-can-o’-tuna diet. That is something you can talk about while you are waiting for a prescription! And remember to take a lot of selfies while you diet. People love those.
11. eat diet food, it has fake sugars, fake fats, you can eat more and you shouldn’t gain weight. If you do gain weight anyway, see previous point or get liposuction.
12. smoke cigarettes, everybody knows that smoking cigarettes is cool. Plus it helps lose weight.
